Jewish mothers are wonderful
Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York`s Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother`s apartment, screaming, "Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!"
His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said: "Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!" Read more

Gas prices are falling. Experts say this could delay the next war in the Middle East until the fall. Read more

In a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to misuse their position to force their often extremist political views on young Americans. "It is my understanding", the president said, "that you are frequently teaching algebra classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with the help of radicals. I can`t say that I approve of that..." Read more

A recent poll asked 2000 women if they would have sex with Bill Clinton. 94% replied, Never again. Read more

Hey baby, was your daddy a thief? Because you definitely seem like you were raised by felons. Read more

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene. Read more

Myra Maines (My Remains) Read more

"Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?"
"Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right."
"Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try...!"
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A Rabbi
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He`s an old man and can`t walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what`s happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don`t think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie`s shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I`ve just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop and sees in the first race a horse named `Top Hat` at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he`s been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi`s hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where`s the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn`t matter," Bernie said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka." Read more

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants." Read more