A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.""Well then, just give me my money back.""Cain`t do that. I went and spent it already.""OK then, just unload the donkey.""What ya gonna do with em.""I`m gonna raffle him off.""Ya cain`t raffle off a dead donkey!""Sure I can. Watch me. I just won`t tell anyone he`s dead."A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.""Didn`t no one complain?""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back." Read more

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Hebonics
[My thanks to Richard K for the following]
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city`s School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, `How are you?` may be answered, `How should I be, with my feet?`"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism.  An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It`s beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: "He`s slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline, he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

• Question: "What time is it?"  English answer: "Sorry, I don`t know."  Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
• Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."  English response: "Thanks."  Hebonic response: "I should *be* so lucky!"
• Remark: "Hurry up! Dinner`s ready."  English response: "Be right there."  Hebonic response: "Alright already, I`m coming. What`s with the `hurry` business? Is there a fire?"
• Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."  English response: "Glad you like it."  Hebonic response: "So what`s the matter; you don`t like the other ties I gave you?
• Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."  English response: "Congratulations!"  Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
• Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"  English answer: "Just say when!"  Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding!? Do I look like a cowboy?"
• To guest of honor at his birthday party:  English remark: "Happy birthday."  Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
• Remark: "A beautiful day."  English response: "Sure is."  Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
• Answering a phone call from son:  English remark: "It`s been a long time since you called."  Hebonic remark: "You didn`t wonder if I`m dead yet?"

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The check-up
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn`t belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - `You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel`" Read more

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Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

* 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
* There is no access to fast food.
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 am; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vo Read more

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