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| 1 He who is without sinJesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What`s going on here, anyway?" he asked."This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded."Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head."Aw, c`mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I`m trying to make a point here!"
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| 2 Kids on the Old and New TestamentsThis comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah`s wife was calledJoan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.* Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble withthe unsympathetic Genitals.* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebellike Delilah.* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened breadwhich is bread without any ingredients.* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moseswent up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led thehebrews in the battle of Geritol.* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to standstill and he obeyed him.* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with theFinklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.* Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang theMagna Carta.* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus inthe manager.* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others beforethey do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get thetombstone off the entrance.* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistleswere the wives of the apostles.* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which isanother name for marriage.* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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| 3 Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor`s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
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| 4 Acts 2:38A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.The burglar froze in place and didn`t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood."What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman`s quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked."Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38`s!"
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| 5 Ten CommandmentsA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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