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ConFuSciouS SayS:
"man who run in front of car get tired"
"man who run behind car get exhausted"
"man with one hand in pocket not neccessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spider`s web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off."
"Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man with tool in woman`s mouth, not necessarily a dentist."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock."
"Man who pull out too fast leave rubber."
"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish,
but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn`t determine who`s right. War determines who`s left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don`t drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next
spring."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!"
"People who live in plexi-glass houses should not throw abrasive
cleansers."
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem
in hand"
"People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."
"He who fishes in other man`s well often catches crabs."
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| Rating: 3 from 5 (2 votes) |
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LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...
Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
Dum Gai A stupid person
Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Approach me
Lao Ze Sho Gilligan`s Island
Lao Zi Not very good
Lin Ching An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk Irritating drivers
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A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So one day, he went to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor examine his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. otherwise, it will spread and become worse."
The businessman was shocked. the last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.
Desperate he thought, "Why don`t I consult traditional Chinese medicine. They might have some surprises"
So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said," We don`t have to cut. I`ll give you herbs to rub."
The rich man was so happy. "Wow no operation, you are better than western medicine. I`m amazed, So what is the exact secret?"
The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."
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| Rating: 5 from 5 (2 votes) |
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A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it`s being born."
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don`t you know what color the child is going to be?"
"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I`m a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."
"OK", says the doctor, "I`ll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"
"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.
"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"
"Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they`re brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"
"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.
"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"
| | Rating: 5 from 5 (One vote) |
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84 Ways to Know If You`re Chinese
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You have never used your dishwasher.
10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You play a musical instrument.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food
a. Even if you`re totally full, if someone says they`re going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you`ll finish them.
b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23. You don`t own any real Tupperware--only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You`ve eaten a red bean popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people`s homes.
27. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald`s.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You never order room service.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That`s why you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.
36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you`re married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.
41. You don`t use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you`ve gotten a good deal if you didn`t pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. Your parents` house is always cold.
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don`t write anymore.
48. If you`re under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you`re over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.
50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
51. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
52. You`re a wok user.
53. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
54. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
55. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions
a. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
b. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
56. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached--it means they`re fresh.
59. You never call your parents just to say hi.
60. You always cook too much.
61. If you don`t live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you`ve eaten, even if it`s midnight.
62. Also, if you don`t live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.
64. When you`re sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).
65. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
66. Your parents never go to the movies.
67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
68. You use a face cloth.
69. Your parents use a clothes line.
70. You`re always late.
71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don`t eat the last piece of food on the table.
72. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
73. You`ve joined a CD club at least once.
74. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
75. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
76. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
77. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you`re never going to use them again.
78. You keep used batteries.
79. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
80. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
81. You know what MJ means.
82. You`ve been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
83. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
84. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
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