| Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 1 It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"The little boy replied, "I got him from the church.""And why did you take him?"The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
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| Rating: 1 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 2 The 3 stages of man:He believes in Santa Claus.He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.He is Santa Claus.
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| 3 The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he`s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you`ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he`s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you`re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.9. While he`s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn`t have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"11. Take everything out of your house as if it`s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he`s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa`s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he`s got a red nose!" and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you`ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he`s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you`ve been "trampled." Threaten to sue.18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain`t big enough for the both of us."
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (2 votes) |
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| 4 A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk."Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."
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| 5 I think Santa Claus is a womanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he`s a she.Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!For starters, the vast majority of men don`t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It`s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it`s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I`m convinced Santa is a woman.Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen`s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he`d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.Other reasons why Santa can`t possibly be a man:- Men can`t pack a bag.- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.- Men don`t answer their mail.- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
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