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| 26 DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER
1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.
2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.
5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
6. Many users ha
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| 27 As Computer Tech I sometimes help clients over the phone. Here is a recent phone dialogue I had with one of my customers.
Tech: Workshops can I help.
Customer: My dog is not barking, how can I make it bark.
Tech: I am sorry mam but this is not SPCA
Customer: I know that but how can I make the dog on my computer bark.
Tech: Do you mean a dog in a computer game or something?
Customer: I mean a small dog that comes on when I type in Microsoft Word.
Tech: Are your speakers on?
Customer: No
Tech: Turn on your speakers and you will hear your dog barking when it barks
Customer: Ooooh why didn’t I figure that, thanks so much
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| 28 While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.†Bill stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.†Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?†“Yes.†Replied the man.
Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark
glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.
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| 29 Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part I
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in pe
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| 30 CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>
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