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| 1 When a physician remarked on a new patient`s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.""Your mother`s side or your father`s?" I asked."Neither," he replied. "It`s from my wife`s family.""Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife`s family give you high blood pressure?"He sighed. "You oughta meet `em sometime, Doc!"
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| 2 It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
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| 3 HMO Q & AQ. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, `Hey, Moe!` Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don`t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day`s drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. What are preexisting conditions?A. This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with `pre and now` meaning the same.Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don`t require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You`ll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. What if I`m away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn`t do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you`re risking is the $10 CO-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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| 4 A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you`ll have lost at least five pounds."When the blonde returns, she`s lost nearly 20 pounds."Why, that`s amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"The blonde nods. "I`ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor."No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
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| 5 Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you`ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!DAY ONEBreakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse`s or partner`s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.DAY TWOBreakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.DAY THREEBreakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse`s or partner`s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.FINAL DAYBreakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse`s or partner`s pillow.Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night`s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
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