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| 1 My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.Nancy`s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It`s true, Mom.Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy`s mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
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| 2 I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
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| 3 A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message."Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
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| 4 our name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.Yes, you--we`re talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have youchecked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?We`re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Doyou:1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you`ll receive a reply one day from a company you`ll never do business with anyway?6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you`d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?10) All of the above?If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have aproblem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE`SSAKEWe`re here, we`re free, and we`re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.
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| 5 Everyone Repeat After Me1. "I won`t get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don`t forward this.2. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria`s Secret doesn`t know anything about a gift certificate they`re supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.3. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke-a-Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don`t know who the devil I am anyway.4. I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this. NEVER!!!!5. My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this.6. There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.7. There is no kid with cancer through the Make-A-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and doesn`t want any more postcards, calling cards or get-well cards! (His garbage pick-up fees are through the roof from sacks of mail.)8. The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.9. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this.10. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.11. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of-before disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don`t donate!12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend or by telling me I have no conscience or don`t believe in Jesus Christ.If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along. Even if it does come by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point I`m SURE I will know it will be from HIM. AND if He does, I`m sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forward`s in it!"
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