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| 166 Commitment
Most men fantasize in having a relationship
with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a
woman means giving up his fantasy.
Most women fantasize in having a relationship
with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment
to a man means achieving her fantasy.
Conclusion: commitment means
that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 167 The Saucer
Roberto is an art connoisseur and one
day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front
of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the
saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into
the store and offered £2 for the cat.
"It`s not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty
and undesirable, but I`m eccentric. I like cats that way. I`ll raise my
offer to £10."
"It`s a deal," said Abe, and pocketed
the money.
"For that sum I`m sure you won`t mind
throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking
from it."
"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That`s
my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I`ve sold 34 cats."
| | Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 168 Competition
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls
up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles
at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that`s a nice car. Have you got
a phone in it? I`ve got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over
and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got
a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That`s great! Listen,
have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says,
"Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car
in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got
a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately
drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in
the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb
bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
David immediately went searching for the
Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows
fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo
stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
David stated arrogantly.
"Jesus!" complained Shlomo, "You got me
out of the shower to tell me this?"
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| Rating: 5 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 169 Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters
in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he
wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit,
does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I
can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the
early sixties.) "By the way, what`s your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims
"Penis Van Lesbian."
"`S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies
the young man.
"Hey I`m sorry kid, you`re gonna have
to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but
steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe.
"Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man
replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis
Van Lesbian. So I`ve changed it".
"Great kid, great! What`s your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
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| 170 Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual
medical records from Israeli hospitals...
• Between you and me, we ought to be able
to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid
heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on
her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better
and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever
since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department
without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his
pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife,
they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without
permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old
male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
• The patient`s past medical history has
been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently
her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset
of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema
at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of
good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around
the room.
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