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| 181 The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous
night`s lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all
over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for
five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my
wife`s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife`s
body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others
say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs.
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
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| 182 You can`t hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda
over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn`t help but
keep noticing how beautiful Henry `s roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started
to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye.
Reading his mum`s thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking,
mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I`ve been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don`t suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied
"Well, I doubt it, but I`ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I`m not saying that you "did"
take the gravy ladle from the house, I`m not saying that you "did not"
take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter
from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I`m not saying that you "do"
sleep with Debbie, and I`m not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mum
Lesson of the day - don`t lie to a Jewish
mother.
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| 183 Quickies
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children
ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium
pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but
she doesn`t really care.
Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.
It`s one of life`s mysteries - how
a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.
Another of life`s mysteries is when a Jewish
woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
The trouble with some Jewish women is that
they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
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| 184 The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are
your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
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| 185 The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house
when he came across a box he didn`t recognize. His wife told him to leave
it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got
the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked
her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had
a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only
three bad sermons, that`s not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time
I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.
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