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| 186 Good advice
Jeremy warned his son against marrying
a `shiksa.`
The son replied, "But she`s converting
to Judaism."
"It doesn`t matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa
will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It`s Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we
always work on Saturday. It`s our busiest day."
"I won`t work anymore on Saturday," the
son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying
a shiksa would cause problems."
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| 187 The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his
father`s bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is
your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could
just have one more piece of your mum`s cheese cake. Would you get me a
piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen.
After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It`s my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for
after the funeral."
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| 188 The special order
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a
cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite
in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy
a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to
the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says "OK."
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am
by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping
load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of
his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig
with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at
Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from
the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What
do you have to say for yourself?"
Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in
Poland."
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| 189 Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800`s, Moishe had to go
to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked,
"How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too
much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain`t got $5, I only got $2, so dere!".
"Well you ain`t goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss`n,
I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput`n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you
could do sumtink for me?" "I`ll tell you what I can do," said the clerk.
"We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin` ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don`t understand!" said the
clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and
if you see any Indians, you shoot `em."
"Vut you talkin` shoot Indians? I ain`t
never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
"Listen to me! It`s easy. You see an Indian;
you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and
get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Moishe climbed up with the driver and
off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver
asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far
away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who
then put his hand in front of the driver`s face and held his thumb and
forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should
I shoot `em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You`ll never hit him he`s too
far away. Wait `til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and
once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still
see `em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver`s face and this
time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks
dis big, should I shoot `em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He`s still
too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I`ll tell you when to shoot `em."
Well, this same continued every few hours
for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still
saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading
his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian
now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he`s close enough. Now
you can shoot `em!"
Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah,
I couldn` shoot`em." "Whadya mean you cain`t shoot `em? Why not?" demanded
the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver`s face and held
his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could
I shoot `em? I`ve known him ince he was dis big!"
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| 190 Quasimodo Levy - 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to
retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new
bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for
the bell ringer`s position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer,
said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove
he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when
Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and
charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through
the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses
crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring
the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped
and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called
out, "who was that man?"
Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don`t know
but his face rings a bell."
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