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| 206 The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold
and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the
local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through
the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled
in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to
the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels?
Nothing more?"
"That`s right," answered Bernie, "One
for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my
mother would send me out on a night like this?"
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| 207 Mrs Goldstein’s golfing special
Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day
when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for
it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If
you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein
immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry
but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that
whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or
better!"
Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m
happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.” The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the
world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem,
because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for
me.
So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked
to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr
Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " It’s not a problem, because what`s mine
is his and what`s his is mine."
So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest
woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third
wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I`d like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever B**ches.
Don`t mess with them.
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| 208 A very important question
Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.
One day in June, he goes on holiday with
his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore
on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages
and interests between them.
Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah
what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything,
all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love
me, Sarah?”
“Yes, darling,” said Sarah, “and I’d miss
you too.”
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| 209 An accumulation of wealth
Jack Jacobs was one day poking through
his wife Suzie’s bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000
in cash. He just didn’t know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie
with this evidence. “You don’t even play golf!”
“I know dear.” Suzie said. “We’ve had
some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other
men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer
to remind me of my error.”
“I see,” replied Jack. “That explains
the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?”
“Oh,” beamed Suzie, “every time I collected
a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”
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| 210 The book purchase
Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually
inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought “How
to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his
latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
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