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| 336 Isn’t marriage wonderful?
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
“I married Miss Right. I just didn`t
know her first name was Always.”
“I haven`t spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don`t like to interrupt her.”
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What`s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since
then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Because
they want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping in Brent Cross and said "I haven`t eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.
Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn`t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad:
"Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.
The most effective way to remember your wife`s
birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife`s an angel!"
Second guy: "You`re lucky, mine`s still alive."
Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An
expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren`t for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don`t know
son, I`m still paying.
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 337 Punishment
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical
students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called
them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately
confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved
some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and
then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the
delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for
a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from
God."
A few days later, the two students met
each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles
under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the
other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that
you are walking so easily? Why didn`t you do as the Rabbi asked and put
the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled
them first."
| | Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 338 The facelift - 1
Hette has a heart attack and is taken
to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience,
during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has
another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured
that since she`s got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in
the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and
tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even
changed the colour of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Hette
is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she
left the hospital.
When Hette arrives in front of God, she
asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn`t recognize you."
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 339 The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for
his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really
good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought
he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross
shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and
says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling
really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and
asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel
really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris
meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks
to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my
eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there
was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your
trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact
age."
As there was no one around, Morris thought
why not and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later,
the lady says, "OK, it`s done. I now know that you are 47."
Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was
brilliant. How did you do that? "
She replies, giggling, "We were behind
you in the Fenwick’s queue."
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| 340 The homecoming
Hette arrives home. She runs into the
house, slams the front door, and shouts at the top of her voice, “Harry,
quickly pack your bags, I’ve just won £10 million on the lottery.”
Harry says, “Oh my goodness, what fantastic
news. Should I pack for Florida or skiing?”
Hette yells back, “I don’t care where
you go, just get out of my life.”
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