| Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 376 Quickies
Hette had plastic surgery the other day.
Her husband cut up her credit cards.
Show me a Jewish boy who didn`t become
a doctor and I`ll show you a lawyer.
Q: What do Jewish mothers and 60 minutes
have in common?
A: They both begin with tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 377 The tailor
Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new
custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just
bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now
it`s fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It`s nothing. Just hunch your back
up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that`s it."
"But I`m stepping on my cuffs!"
Yossi cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take
up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit
fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches
out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful
suit!"
| | Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 378 The holiday
Michael and Hetty, an elderly couple,
are on holiday in Devon when they decide to take a drive into the countryside.
Hette is driving when she gets stopped by a traffic policeman.
The officer comes up to the car and says
to her, “Madam, did you know you were speeding?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What
did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says you
were speeding.”
The policeman then says to Hette, “May
I see your driving licence?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What
did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He wants to
see your driving licence.”
So Hette gives the officer her licence.
The policeman looks at the licence and
then says, “Ah. I see you are both from Golders Green in London. I spent
some time there many years ago and I’ll always remember the time that I
went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What
did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says he
thinks he knows you.”
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| Rating: 5 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 379 Honesty
One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting
a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When
he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped
his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared
with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter
said "No".
God again went down and came up with a
silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter
said "No".
God went down again and came up with an
iron axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said, "Yes".
God was so pleased with the man`s honesty
that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter
was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When
he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"My wife has fallen into the water and
I can’t swim."
God went down into the water and came
up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked.
"Yes", he said.
God was furious, "YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now
I am going to punish you."
The woodcutter quickly said, "Please forgive
me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said "No" to Jennifer Lopez,
you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said "No" to her, you
would have finally come up with my wife and I would say "Yes". Then you
would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able
to look after all three of them, so that`s why I had to say "Yes"...
| | Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 380 The curse
Shirley sat next to Hette, a middle aged
lady, in shul one Shabbos. She couldn’t help but notice Hette’s wonderful,
huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. Shirley sat there staring at it
but couldn’t hold out any longer and said to Hette, “I hope you don’t mind
me saying this but I just have to let you know that I think that your ring
is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.”
“Oy vay,” said Hette. “Thank you for saying
that. This definitely is a beautiful diamond ring, but unfortunately, it
has a curse as well.”
“What do you mean?” said Shirley.
Hette replied, “Don’t you know that this
is the Katz diamond?”
Shirley replied, “The Katz diamond?”
“Yes, the Katz diamond, and the Katz diamond
has a curse.”
“But what ever is this curse?” asked Shirley.
“Mr Katz.”
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