| Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 396 Two quickies
Q: What`s a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Morris walked into a lawyer`s office and
inquired about the lawyer`s rates. "£150 for three questions," replied
the lawyer.
"Isn`t that awfully steep?" asked Morris.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was
your third question?"
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| It still doesn't have a vote, be the first one that votes it! |
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| 397 Rules of Employment.
Bernie met his friend Alf in the street
one day. As Alf was interested in how Bernie’s new job was going, especially
as he was working for a Jewish firm, he asked. “How’s the new job going?
Is it what you hoped it would be?”
Bernie replied, “Working for a Jewish
firm is not all it’s cracked up to be. I handed in my notice yesterday.”
Alf asked, “Why?”
Bernie replied, “The firm is so keen to
improve its profitability, it wants every part of me to contribute 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week.”
Bernie went on to show Alf a page taken
from his Office Manual. Bernie said, “Read this, this is why I resigned.”
HOLIDAYS. Employee’s holidays
are considered by the directors to be completely unnecessary. All employees
should realise that they are lucky to be employed. Should anyone demand
a holiday entitlement, this will be considered by the directors as being
disloyal, the firm will assume that the employee must be unhappy in his/her
work and will cease to be considered an asset to the firm. Dismissal will
therefore have to be seriously considered by the directors.
SICKNESS. The directors will consider
it a sign of weakness should an employee fall ill. It is the duty of every
employee to look after his/her health and therefore be available for duty
on every working day. A visit to the doctor by an employee is considered
totally unnecessary. If they are well enough to visit the doctor, they
are well enough to come to work.
DEATH – OTHER THAN OF THE EMPLOYEE.
If a relative or friend has died, unfortunate as this may be, there is
obviously nothing more that can be done for them. Therefore, the directors
will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not coming into
work. Funerals, if employees must attend them, will have to be arranged
outside of working hours.
DEATH – OF THE EMPLOYEE. If an employee’s
death should occur prior to the mandatory retirement age, the employee
should have arranged a replacement for himself or herself before inflicting
this inconvenience on the firm.
| | Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 398 The taxi ride
Maurice Bloom had just picked up his first
passenger of the evening. After about 5 minutes of driving, the passenger
suddenly tapped Maurice on his shoulder to ask him a question.
Maurice screamed, lost control of his
taxi, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the pavement and stopped only inches
from a shop window.
For a second, everything went very quiet
in the taxi, then Maurice said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You
scared the living daylights out of me.”
His passenger apologised and said, “I
didn’t realise that a little tap could scare you so much.”
Maurice replied, “Sorry, it’s not really
your fault. Today is only my second day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving
hearses for the past 25 years.”
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| Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 399 The invention
Did you hear about the Israeli doctor
who has invented a pill that is a combination of a tranquilliser and Viagra.
Soon after you take it, you get an urge to make love to a woman - but if
you can’t find one, you just don’t care.
| | Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 400 The complaint
Goldberg wrote this letter of complaint
to the creators of a body building course.
Dear Sir,
Since taking your body building course,
I now have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch
neck. I feel absolutely marvellous but at the same time, I do feel that
my chances of marriage are spoiled.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Goldberg
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