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| 411 The janitor
Bernard is not the brightest of men and
is finding it very difficult to find a job. But one day, he applies for
and gets a job as a janitor at the local Catholic Church. They decide to
give Bernard a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work
in a church. Bernard works very hard indeed.
After a week, he is called into the office.
"Bernard, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First,
when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don`t use the holy water. Second,
when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross.
Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
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| 412 The marriage ceremony
Four young novice nuns were about to take
their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where
the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to
Jesus. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Chassidic Jews with
yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards, carrying siddurs, came in and
sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am
honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you
mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the four Jews replied, "We`re from
the groom`s side."
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| 413 The wise man
One day, Bernie was trying to pull out
of a parking place but to his horror, he hit the bumper of the car parked
in front of him. To make matters worse, the incident was witnessed by a
handful of people waiting for a bus.
So Bernie got out of his car, inspected
the damage carefully, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a note,
which he then left under the wiper blade of the other car.
This is what the note said. “Hello, I
have just hit your car and there are some people here watching me. They
think I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number and car
registration number. But I am not.”
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| 414 The visitor
David is visiting his parents for dinner
one Friday night. Whilst she is getting the table ready, his mother asks
him to get the olives from the fridge. He opens the fridge to look for
the olives and notices that taped to the inside of the door is a risqué
photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but naked young woman.
David asks, “Mum, what’s the photo for?
She replies, “Oh, I put that there to
remind me not to eat too much.”
David then asks, “So, is it working?”
“Yes and no.” she replies. “I’ve lost
15 pounds but your father has gained 20 pounds!”
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| 415 Three wise women
What would have happened if three wise
Jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of three wise men? They would
have: -
asked directions.
arrived on time.
helped deliver the baby.
hired someone to clean the stable.
made a brisket.
and brought practical gifts.
And what would they have said to each other
after they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing
with that shmatta?"
"That baby doesn`t look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting
animals in there?"
"I heard that Joseph doesn`t have a job."
"And that donkey they are riding has seen
better days!"
"We`ll just see how long it will take to get
your brisket dish back.
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jokes-db.com
