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| 426 How embarrassing!
Sadie was taking her seven year old daughter
Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was
embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.
Sarah said to Rifka, "Our family is kosher"
Rifka asked, "What`s kosher?"
Sarah replied, "That`s when you can`t
have cheese with your ham sandwich!!"
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| 427 Grandpa
& Grandma
Grandpa David &
Grandma Andrea were staying overnight at their grandson Paul’s house when
Grandpa David saw a bottle of Viagra pills in the bathroom cabinet. He
asked Paul whether he could use one of the pills.
Paul said, "I don`t
think you should take one, Zeida, they`re very potent and expensive."
"How much?" asked
Grandpa David.
"£10 for each
pill," Paul replied.
"I don`t care,"
said Grandpa David, "I`d like to try Viagra at least once before I die.
But don’t worry, if I do take one, I`ll pay you for it."
The next morning
Paul found a cheque for £110 on the kitchen table. He said to Grandpa
David, "Zeida, I told you each pill was £10, not £110."
"I know," said Grandpa
David, "The extra hundred is from your Bubba."
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| 428 Jewish
Marriage?
Moishe was sitting
at the breakfast table one Sunday morning reading the News of the World.
He had just read an article about a beautiful film star who had announced
that she was going to marry a football player who was famous not only for
his aggression on and off the field, but also for his lack of IQ and common
sense. In fact he was ‘thick as two planks’.
Like many men, Moishe
loved hearing his own voice and liked to report aloud stories he read from
the paper. So he turned to his wife Sadie and said, "I’ll never understand
why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
Sadie replied, "Why
thank you, darling!"
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| 429 The shopping
trip
It was a terrible
evening in Golders Green. The wind was blowing hard, it was snowing and
it was very, very cold. The streets were almost deserted and ‘Bagels Bakery’
was just about to shut when Sidney entered. He looked absolutely frozen.
He was wearing two jumpers, a thick scarf and an even thicker coat. His
umbrella had blown inside out and he looked thoroughly miserable.
As he unbuttoned
his coat, he said to the baker, "Two bagels, please."
The baker looked
surprised. "Only two? Don’t you want anything else?"
"No. I only want
two," Sidney replied. "One for Esther and one for me."
"Is Esther your
wife?" asked the baker.
"Don’t ask silly
questions," replied Sidney, "Of course she is. Do you think my mother would
send me out on a night like this?"
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| 430 The drinker
It is Saturday night
and Sean is in an Irish pub in Cricklewood. He soon strikes up a conversation
with the fellow next to him at the bar. Sean says, "I must stop drinking
all this Irish whiskey."
"Why do you want
to do that?" asked his companion.
"Because every Saturday
night I go out and drink a half a bottle of the stuff, come home drunk,
make mad passionate love to my wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to
church."
"What`s wrong with
that?" the friend asks. "A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night,
drink a half bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home drunk, make love to
the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said Sean,
"but I`m Jewish."
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