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| 441 Bright
spark
When Albert Einstein
was young, he was regularly invited to speak at various conferences. But
he nearly always found himself wishing that he was back in his laboratory
carrying out further pioneering work.
One day, Einstein
said to his chauffeur, "Issy, I am getting so very tired of making these
speeches, but what on earth can I do? ".
Issy replied, "I
have an idea, sir. I`ve heard you give your presentation many times before
and I`ll bet I could quite easily give your talk for you. Why, I even look
and speak like you." Einstein thought for a while, then laughed and replied,
"What a good idea Issy, why not?
So for the next
conference, they exchanged clothes. Einstein put on Issy’s uniform and
peaked cap and then got behind the wheel of the car. When they arrived
at the conference centre, Einstein went and sat at the back of the theatre
and wondered how Issy would cope. He needn’t have worried. Issy gave an
excellent speech and even answered the first few of the questions that
followed. But then one of the other professors asked Issy an extremely
awkward question about the speed of light in relation to the formation
of anti-matter. Quick as a flash, Issy replied, "The answer to your question
is easy. In fact it is so basic that I will ask my chauffeur, who is sitting
at the back of the hall, to answer it for me."
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| 442 The nurse
Bernie was almost
90 years old and found it difficult to keep his balance. After his latest
fall, his daughter thought it was now time for her dad to have a full time
nurse looking after him.
Freda duly arrived
and on her first night, Bernie was as usual sitting on his plastic-covered
couch watching TV. All of a sudden, he started to lean over to the right.
Freda quickly pulled him upright. Then Bernie started slowly to lean over
to the left and Freda once again rushed over and straightened him up. This
rigmarole went on for some time.
Later that evening,
the telephone rang. Bernie picked it up.
"Hello Dad, it`s
me, Hette," said his daughter. "Is the new nurse doing her job properly?"
"Oh Hette, I’m so
glad you rang. You must get over here as soon as you can," Bernie answered.
Hette replied, "Why,
Dad, whatever’s wrong?"
Bernie then whispered
into the phone, "The tyrant won`t let me fart."
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| 443 A visit
to a solicitor
Even though Morris
and Sadie had been married for a very, very long time, they still decided
to visit a divorce lawyer in Camden Town. At the first meeting, the solicitor
asks them, "Why in the world do you want to get divorced? You each look
well into your nineties. Why now of all times?"
Morris replies,
"Actually, I`m 102 and my wife Sadie is 101."
The solicitor is
totally bemused and asks them again "So why do you want a divorce now?"
Sadie replies this
time, "Well, we wanted to wait until all of the children were dead."
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| 444 A visit
home
Deborah had left
home to go to London to work as a secretary. Soon after, she began regularly
sending money to her parents, Moishe and Sadie.
Some years later,
Sadie asked Deborah to come home for a visit, as her father was getting
frail. Deborah said she would come to see them that weekend.
You can imagine
Moishe and Sadie’s surprise when Deborah pulled up outside their house
in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into
the house, Moishe muttered aloud, "It seems that London secretaries get
well paid." Deborah walked over to him, took his hands and said, "Daddy
- I`ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I just didn`t want
to put it in a letter. I can`t hide it from you any longer. I`ve become
a prostitute."
Moishe gasped, put
his hand over his heart and fell to the floor. The doctor was immediately
called, but could not help - Moishe had clearly lost the will to live.
He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting
Sadie and Deborah, Moishe muttered weakly, "What a way to go – murdered
by my own daughter, killed by the shame of what you`ve become!"
"Daddy, please,
please forgive me," Deborah sobbed. "I wanted to have nice things to wear
and to have enough money to be able to send you some. The only way I could
think of doing that was to become a prostitute."
On hearing this,
Moishe sat bolt upright in bed, looking already so much better. Smiling
he said, "Deborah, did you say prostitute? I thought you said Protestant"
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| 445 The lover
Shlomo, 80, marries
Becky, a lovely 25-year-old. Because of the great difference in their ages,
Becky thought it sensible to book separate hotel rooms on their honeymoon
- she was worried that he might overexert himself.
On the first night,
Becky is preparing herself for bed when there is a knock on her door. When
she opens it, there is Shlomo ready for action. They unite in conjugal
union and it was good. Shlomo says goodnight and leaves. Becky once again
prepares to go to bed.
But five minutes
later, there`s a knock on her door. It’s Shlomo again, once more ready
for action. Pleasantly surprised, Becky again invites him into her bed
and again they make passionate love. Shlomo kisses her goodnight and leaves.
Becky is now quite
tired but as soon as she puts her head on the pillow, there is a knock
at the door and there, yet again, is Shlomo, looking very sprightly and
once more ready for l-o-v-e. Again they make it.
This time, before
Shlomo leaves, Becky says, "I am really very impressed with you, Shlomo.
I thought you were past making love, but you’ve proved me wrong. I’ve made
a good choice in you - you`re a special lover. Most of my other lovers
could only manage it once, yet you were able to do it three times."
On hearing this,
Shlomo was very confused. He then looks her in the eyes and asks, "Do you
mean I’ve been here already?"
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