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| 1 Applied mathematicsROMANCE MATHEMATICSSmart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = affairDumb man + smart woman = marriageDumb man + dumb woman = pregnancyOFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeSHOPPING MATHA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn`t need.GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICSA woman worries about the future until she gets a husbandA man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.HAPPINESSTo be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.LONGEVITYMarried men live longer than single men, butmarried men are a lot more willing to die.MEMORYAny married man should forget his mistakes, there`s no use in two people remembering the same thing.APPEARANCEMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.PROPENSITY TO CHANGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn`t.A man marries a woman expecting that she won`t change, and she does.DISCUSSION TECHNIQUEA woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.COMPREHENSIONThere are 2 times when a man doesn`t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You`re next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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| 2 For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set2. A day without sunshine is like, night.3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.7. I feel like I`m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.11. Remember half the people you know are below average.12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don`t get sucked into jet engines.18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don`t expect it back.22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.26. Support bacteria - they`re the only culture some people have.27. When everything`s coming your way, you`re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.28. If at first you don`t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.30. Experience is something you don`t get until just after you need it.31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you`ll have to catch up.46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.48. Get a new car for your spouse - it`ll be a great trade!49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.54. If at first you don`t succeed, then skydiving isn`t for you.
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| 3 A hospital posted a notice in the nurse`s lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being`s life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."
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| 4 The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
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| 5 Time Gets Better with AgeI`ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".Age 5I`ve learned that our dog doesn`t want to eat my broccoli either.Age 7I`ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.Age 9I`ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.Age 12I`ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.Age 14I`ve learned that although it`s hard to admit it, I`m secretly glad my parents are strict with me.Age 15I`ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.Age 24I`ve learned that brushing my child`s hair is one of life`s great pleasures.Age 26I`ve learned that wherever I go, the world`s worst drivers have followed me there.Age 29I`ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.Age 30I`ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don`t know how to show it.Age 42I`ve learned that you can make some one`s day by simply sending them a little note.Age 44I`ve learned that the greater a person`s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.Age 46I`ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.Age 47I`ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.Age 48I`ve learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.Age 49I`ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.Age 50I`ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.Age 51I`ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.Age 52I`ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.Age 53I`ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.Age 58I`ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.Age 61I`ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.Age 62I`ve learned that you shouldn`t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.Age 64I`ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.Age 65I`ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.Age 66I`ve learned that everyone can use a prayer.Age 72I`ve learned that even when I have pains, I don`t have to be one.Age 82I`ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.Age 90I`ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.Age 92
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