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| 1 (Culled from newspapers)- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5` 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
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| 2 At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... ...When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts` content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty...It`s A lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!""And in agreement with Chairman Arafat," said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..."
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| 3 Hilarious Newspaper Headlines1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies2. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead11. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter16. War Dims Hope for Peace17. If Strike Isn`t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
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| 4 Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.Texas executes last remaining citizen.Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby`s for $4.6 million.Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
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| 5 The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 19991. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half17. War Dims Hope for Peace18. If Strike Isn`t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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