| Rating: 3.5 from 5 (2 votes) |
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| 1 Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other, "How`s your Paddy holding up in bed these days?"
The second old lady replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."
"How`s that?"
"He climbs on and starts pumping away but we never get anywhere!"
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| Rating: 3.25 from 5 (4 votes) |
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| 2
An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.
"Doctor, when I was in my 20`s, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 30`s, it took one hand to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 50`s, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on. Now that I`m in my 60`s, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on! So what I`m basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"
| | Rating: 3 from 5 (3 votes) |
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| 3
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I`ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (4 votes) |
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| 4
Just a line to say that I am living,
that I`m not among the dead;
though I`m getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head.
I got wed to my arthritis
to my dentures I`m resigned;
I can manage with my bifocals
but, God, I miss my mind!
For sometimes I can`t remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs;
If I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there?
And before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt;
Have I just put food away, or
have I just come to take some out?
And there is time when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head;
I don`t know if I`m retiring
or just getting out of bed.
So, if it`s my turn to write you,
there is no need for getting sore;
I may think that I have written
and don`t want to be a bore.
So, remember that I love you
and wish that you were near;
but now it`s nearly mail time,
must say goodbye, my dear.
Here I stand beside the mailbox
with a face so very red;
instead of mailing your letter
I have opened it instead!
| | Rating: 3.33 from 5 (3 votes) |
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| 5
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor`s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don`t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you`ll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don`t need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
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