| Rating: 2 from 5 (One vote) |
| |
| 6
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don`t know who they are. They go to a big building, called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed, because its alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don`t do them very good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don`t know how to swim.
As you go into their park, their is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can`t get out without him seeing them. When they sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, early birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don`t know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won`t let them out.
| |
|
| Rating: 2 from 5 (One vote) |
| |
| 7
When I`m a little old lady, then I`ll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I`ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I`ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I`ll hang my head.
I`ll run and I`ll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I`ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they`re busy I won`t leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I`ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I`ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they`ve mopped it, I`ll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I`ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I`ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I`ll take them again.
I`ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I`ll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!
| | Rating: 3 from 5 (2 votes) |
| |
| 8
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I`m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
| |
|
| Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
| |
| 9
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function`s. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what`s your problem?" asked the others.
"I don`t wake up until nine!" he replied.
| | Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
| |
| 10
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.
Old age is golden-so I`ve heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I`m happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.
When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don`t mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life`s competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.
I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I`m not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
| |
|
|
jokes-db.com
