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| 11
Thought I`d let my doctor check me,
`Cause I didn`t feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn`t sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn`t let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn`t feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE.
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| 12
A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn`t want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard.
The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he`s changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home.
The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomizes the old man.
The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.
"But yesterday you told me you loved it there.." says the son.
"Yeah, but you don`t understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."
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| 13
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald`s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I`m not old---I`m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I`m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can`t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I`ve slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I`m not old...I`m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don`t call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who`s "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I`ve got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don`t call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they`re building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I`m keeping up on what`s hip and what`s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I`m still in the running...in this I`m secure,
I`m not really old ... I`m only mature.
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| 14
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn`t get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must`ve enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting!" said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn`t find my panties and his teeth were in them!"
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| 15
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It`s Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I`m not going to die a virgin... I`m going out and I`m not coming home `til I`ve been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you`re home by 10, so I don`t worry about you."
10 o`clock rolls around and there`s no sign of Gladys... 11 o`clock...12 o`clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys? What`s wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you`re gonna have the time of your life!!"
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