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Category Psychiatrists Jokes (55 jokes in 11 pages)
The best funny Psychiatrists Jokes and clean Psychiatrists Jokes.
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| Rating: 4 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 1 Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
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| | Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 2
A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.
| | Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 3
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn`t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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| | Rating: 3 from 5 (One vote) |
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| 4
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can`t stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let`s see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You`re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
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| 5
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child`s name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child`s name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let`s go home."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won`t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I`m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I`m a graduate student in psychology, and I`m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
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