Animal Jokes Category

Q: What do you get if you put a 20 ducks in a box?
A: A box of Quakers
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One day a duck went into a hardware store and asked the owner for some duck food. The owner looked at him funny, and said, This is a hardware store and we don`t carry duck food." The next day the duck came back to the hardware store an again asked the owner for some duck food. The owner, disturbed that the duck came back, said, I told you yesterday. This is a hardware store; we do not have any duck food! If you come back and ask for duck food again I will cement your feet in the ground!" So the next say the duck came back again and said, Do you have any cement?" "No, said the storeowner. Then, the duck said, Do you have any duck food?" Read more

Why can`t you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
Because they`d only have one pair of trunks.
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A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck,
"Water".
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Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. "The terrier won't harm you, said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT"

Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, "so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That`s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!
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"Doctor, doctor! said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he`s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?
"Quite simple, said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband`s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite “ haul it out.
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I`ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod`s head.
"What do you want a cod`s head for?
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I`ve got to get the cat out first!
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A kid centipede comes running to his house, and knocks on the door and says, "Dad open up, a chicken is chasing me!!!"
The dad centipede says, "Hold up, let me put my shoes on first!"
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Q. Why does a cow wear a bell?
A. Because his horn doesn`t work!
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"Look at that speed! said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.
"Hmph! snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." Read more