Army Jokes Category

Joining the ArmyAs the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter`soffice.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handlethis new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn`t really do that, did you?""You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" Read more

Murphy`s Laws Of CombatIf the enemy is in range, so are you.Incoming fire has the right of way.Don`t look conspicuous, it draws fire.There is always a way.The easy way is always mined.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.Professionals are predictable, it`s the amateurs that are dangerous.The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you`re ready for them. b. When you`re not ready for them.Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.If you can`t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won`t be able to get out.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.When you have secured an area, don`t forget to tell the enemy.Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. Read more

Chow TimeOne of my husband`s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"Checking to see that he had everyone`s attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!" Read more

Army CadetA drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you`ll come and dance on my grave."The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I`d never stand in another line!" Read more

Giving sad news to a troopThe Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones` mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn`t you be a bit more tactful, next time?""Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath`s mother died. You`d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!" Read more

Why do you want to join the NavyHaving passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, ?Why do you want to join the Navy, son???My father said it`d be a good idea, sir.??Oh? And what does your father do???He`s in the Army, sir.? Read more

My Wife`s ExpectingA young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting.""Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed."Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting.""What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer."Me." said the soldier simply. Read more

The trip to the rifle range had been canceledAt one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for thesecond year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.One soldier mused, ?Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn`t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?? Read more

A Stuck Army JeepDuring an Army war game a commanding officer?s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck."Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we?ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn?t contribute in any way."The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." Read more

A new soldier was on sentry dutyA new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, ?Halt, who goes there??The chauffeur, a corporal, says, ?General Wheeler.??I?m sorry, I can?t let you through. You?ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.?The general said, ?Drive on!?The sentry said, ?Hold it! You really can?t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.?The general repeated, ?I?m telling you, son, drive on!?The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, ?General, I?m new at this. DoI shoot you or the driver?? Read more