Army Jokes Category

Sarge & the new recruitsOne day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. ?You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored,? screamed the sarge.A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, ?Remember, Sarge, you`re in the New Army. No profanities.?The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. ?My goodness gracious,? he said, ?What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?? Read more

Build a Road the Army WayOne of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern, ?Lieutenant, *I`m* in charge.?He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,?Lieutenant, you`re in charge.? Read more

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room."Do I have any choice here," he asks a sergeant."Yes, you do. You may eat it or not" Read more

A critical shortage of typistsA soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment.The sergeant said, ?We have a critical shortage of typists. I`ll give you a little test. Type this,? he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. ?That`s fine,?" he said. ?Report for work at 8 tomorrow.??But aren`t you going to check the test?? the prospective clerk asked.The sergeant grinned. ?You passed the test,? he replied, ?when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.? Read more

What do you think about the coming battle, General?God knows it will be lost.Then why should we go for it?To find out who is the loser. Read more

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat."My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?""Yes," said the Navy brat."My dad has built them."Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?""Yes.""It`s my dad who`s killed it!" Read more

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily."Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I`m here."The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late."Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I`m here."The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily."Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but...""Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down.""No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." Read more

Requesting a three day passAn Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?""Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" Read more

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days."Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.""Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you`d just hear slap, slap, jingle.""What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals." Read more