Bank Jokes Category

Drive Through ATM ProceduresPlease note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to... Read more

Customer ServiceI`m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went ... Read more

Insufficient FundsA young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!""I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad."You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank i... Read more

Online BankingTECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?TECH: We`re an Internet service provider, ma`am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?TECH: Yo... Read more

Iraqi BankingAn Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check."That`s humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American hig... Read more

Loan ArithmiticLittle Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. `If you had ten dollars,` said the teacher, `and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you ... Read more

Bank NameMother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something `practical` for her birthday."Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted."It`s your account, darling... Read more

Dear Bank Manager,I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been inplace for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.To this end, please be advised about the following changes:First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open suchan envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further by ... Read more

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I`ve got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank`s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.Three weeks... Read more

Bank RobberyAfter a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?""Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded."Would you please pass it to me,"The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the for... Read more