Bank Jokes Category

Daughter in collegeDid you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter`s college education?As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?" Read more

The banker fell overboard from a friend`s sailboat.The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?""Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business." Read more

The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?""Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response."What have you got for collateral?""Don`t know collateral.""Well that`s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?""Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?""Yes, I have a horse.""How old is it?""Don`t know, has no teeth."Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off."What are you going to do with the rest of that money?""Put in tepee.""Why don`t you deposit it in my bank," he asked."Don`t know deposit.""You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?" Read more

FHA LoanA New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to aparcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property datedback to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: ?Upon review of your letter adjoining your client`s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which youprepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.?Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:?Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in theproperty arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. fromFrance in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus` expedition. Now the Pope, as I`m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume thatHe also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?? Read more

Top Ten Signs You Need a New BankLetterman`s Top Ten Signs You`re Doing Business With The Wrong Bank10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don`t speak English.6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin` Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.4. All cash deposits go directly into teller`s pants.3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez Read more

If you owe the bank $100, that`s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that`s the bank`s problem. Read more

Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in. While severalof the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two`s hand.Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, ?What is this??To which lawyer number one replies, ?It`s that $50 I owe you.? Read more

Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATMYou go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.You think you`ve got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.You go to the ATM, and there`s a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." Read more

A banker decided to get his first tailor made suitA young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn`t you tell me you were a banker?"The young man answered, "Yes, I did."To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?" Read more

A Tried and Trusted EmployeeA wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him." Read more