Bible Jokes Category

He who is without sinJesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What`s going on here, anyway?" he asked."This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded."Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head."Aw, c`mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I`m trying to make a point here!" Read more

Kids on the Old and New TestamentsThis comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah`s wife was calledJoan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.* Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble withthe unsympathetic Genitals.* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebellike Delilah.* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened breadwhich is bread without any ingredients.* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moseswent up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led thehebrews in the battle of Geritol.* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to standstill and he obeyed him.* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with theFinklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.* Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang theMagna Carta.* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus inthe manager.* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others beforethey do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get thetombstone off the entrance.* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistleswere the wives of the apostles.* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which isanother name for marriage.* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Read more

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor`s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that." Read more

Acts 2:38A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.The burglar froze in place and didn`t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood."What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman`s quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked."Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38`s!" Read more

Ten CommandmentsA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." Read more

Ministerial CandidatesThe following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.ADAMGood man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.JESUSSeldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he`s single. Has a messiah complex.NOAHProne to unrealistic building projects.ABRAHAMThough the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man`s wife, but did offer to share his own wife.JOSEPHA big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.MOSESA modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.JOBComplains a lot.DAVIDThe most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour`s wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he`s a proponent of instrumental music in worship.SOLOMONGreat preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.ELIJAHProne to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.SAMSONHair is too long.JONAHRefused God`s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don`t go his way. We hung up.MELCHIZEDEKGreat credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.JOHNSays he`s a Baptist but definitely doesn`t dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and isknown to lose his head on occasion.PETERToo blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.PAULPowerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women`s issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.TIMOTHYToo young.METHUSELAHToo old. WAY too old.JUDASHis references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We`re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here. Read more

Pain in the SideAt Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam`s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I`m going to have a wife." Read more

Punny Biblical Q+A`sQ: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh`s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A. Ruth-less.Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.A: David`s Triumph was heard throughout the land.A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson; he brought the house down.Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A. They were really put out.Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A. They really raised Cain.Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.Q: How long did Cain hate his brother?

A. As long as he was Abel!Q: What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?

A. So long Fellers!Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?

A. They used floodlights.Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?

A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.Q: Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?

A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?

A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A. The thought had never entered his head before?Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?

A. No, he already fell for it once.Q: Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?

A. Because it was Paul`s bottle.Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?

A. Turn right and go straight.Q: Why won`t we drink milk in the new world?

A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.Q: Why shouldn`t Christians watch TV?

A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.Q: Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?

A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."Q: Will there be dogs in the new system?

A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.Q: Who was the straightest man in the bible?

A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.Q: Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?

A. Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake" Read more

Ways the Bible would be differentWays the Bible would be different if written by college students....Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn`t cafeteria food.Paul`s letter to the Romans becomes Paul`s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn`t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. Read more

The VergeA Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus` Mother`s name?"One child answered, "Mary."The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus` Father`s name was?"Another child said, "The Verge."Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge `n` Mary." Read more