British Jokes Category

I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men`s wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting. Read more

Old lady (to street musician) - Do you always play br ear? Street Musician - Yes, lady, `ere or `ereabouts. Read more

An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can`t finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start. Read more

Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. `Cor,` said one, `look at your feet. They ain`t half dirty.` `Well, we didn`t have no `oliday last year.` Read more

This nurse was learning first aid. The sister said, `Nurse, imagine a man`s been brought in after an accident and he`s bleeding badly. What`s the first thing you`d do?` The nurse said. `Faint.` Read more

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me `Can you give me a lift?` I said "Sure, you look great, the world`s your oyster, go for it." Read more

Hotel Guest: `Can you give me a room and a bath, please?` Receptionist: `I can give you a room, but you`ll have to take your own bath.` Read more

A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I`d just like to know why you can`t ring the bell yourself." Read more

Boy: Sir, I`d like your daughter for my wife. Father: Can`t she get one of her own? Read more

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk. Read more