British Jokes Category

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they`d arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door. A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, `Go away. Don`t you know what time it is? We`re closed,` and the the window slammed shut. Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. `What is it now?` demanded the head. `Could we speak to George this time please?` asked on the the hikers. Read more

A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps. `Sorry`, said the barman, `we don`t have any helicoper crisps, we only have plane.` Read more

A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I`d like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well, I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I`ve never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual, I`ll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn`t fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I`ve got to get rid of this animal-I can`t afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: "It`s a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!! Read more

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They`re as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!" Read more

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain`s quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain`s body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: ``Port Left Starboard Right`` Read more

A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name. The boy replied, `six and seven-eighths.` The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, `they just picked it out of a hat.` Read more

What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman? A taffy apple. Two little old ladies were walking through the park one Sunday afternoon. The band was playing a catchy sounding tune, and one of the old ladies said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is". The other one noticed a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the names of their selections. I`ll go down and see". A while later she came back and told her companion, "It`s the Refrain from Spitting". Read more

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn`t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the fancy dress ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny. "Well," mused Pat, "`tis life and there`s a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Johnny. "`Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover." Read more