Cat Jokes Category

Yard SaleI was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener. Read more

Going OutA couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He`s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" Read more

Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog`s breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he`s madder than a wet hornet.7. As best, you can, wearing welder`s gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly, into tub, if possible, Do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge. Read more

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!!1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)4. Flush the toilet three or four times.(This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!Sincerely,The Dog Read more

How to Train a CatOur young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don`t worry," my husband reassured me. "I`ll have him trained in no time."I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa. Read more

Bathing the CatFollowing are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don`t get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.Sincerely,The DOG Read more

Cat and MouseThere was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God`s throne, and God asks him, "So, how do you like it up here?"The mouse says, "It`s nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?"God says, "Sure."So, the mouse gets his roller skates.Well, the next day, the cat approaches God`s throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, "It`s great! I didn`t know you had meals on wheels up here!" Read more

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.The storeowner replies, "I`m sorry, but the cat isn`t for sale."The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I`ll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat`s used to it and it`ll save me from having to get a dish."The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that`s my lucky saucer. So far this week I`ve sold sixty-eight cats." Read more

Q. Why do cats hate flying saucers?

A. Because they can`t reach the milk. Read more

Foreign LanguageA mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the catruns away."See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it`s important to learn a foreign language?" Read more