Catholic Jokes Category

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked. The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants." "What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" "Met any Albigensians lately?" Read more

A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" The Franciscan asked, "What`s a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What`s a novena?" Read more

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven: My sons, Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, Sincerely, God, O.P. Read more

Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!" Read more

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?" Read more

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world`s most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world`s largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!" Read more

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father`s sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?" Read more

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom." Read more

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don`t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" `Tis odd, isn`t it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You`ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It`s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." Read more

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I`m sorry, but I don`t think I`m supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can`t really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: Chief, I have a problem. Chief: What sort of problem? Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it`s someone really important. Chief: Important like the mayor? Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Chief: Important like the governor? Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that. Chief: Like the president? Cop: More. Chief: Who`s more important than the president? Cop: I don`t know, but he`s got the Pope driving for him! Read more