Children Jokes Category

An AtheistA young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I`m not an atheist."Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?""I`m a Christian."The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian."Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."The teacher is now angry. "That`s no reason," she says loudly."What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I`d be an atheist." Read more

School DazeIt was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.The florist`s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That`s right" the boy said, "but how did you know?""Oh, just a wild guess," she said.The next pupil was the candy shop owner`s daughter.The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.""That`s right, but how did you know?" asked the girl."Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue."Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied, with some excitement.The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue."Is it champagne?" she asked."No," the boy replied, with more excitement.The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"With great glee, the boy replied, "It`s a puppy!" Read more

A Child`s View of MarriageWhen my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?" Read more

Where is God?A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.They boys` mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".They boy`s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy`s face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!" Read more

Child`s Perspective on RetirementA teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people."They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don`t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.They play games and do exercises there, but they don`t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don`t know how to swim.At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can`t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren." Read more

Christmas PresentIt was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"The little boy replied, "I got him from the church.""And why did you take him?"The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it." Read more

Things Not To Say During Childbirth....-- Gosh, you`re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.-- You don`t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You`re not using the right words.-- Your stomach still looks like there`s another one in there. Read more

Pizza CouponDispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enoughmoney. I didn`t need the coupon." Read more

Do You Pray Before Eating?The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don`t have to, my mom is a good cook!" Read more

There`s TeacherThe children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, `There`s Jennifer; she`s a lawyer,` or `That`s Michael, he`s a doctor.`"A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there`s teacher; she`s dead." Read more