Children Jokes Category

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I`ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." Read more

Back to schoolLittle Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving."Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." Read more

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.The bus driver says, "That`s the ugliest baby that I`ve ever seen. Ugh!"The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"The man says, "There`s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I`ll hold your monkey for you." Read more

Wedding VowsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." Read more

New Math?A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that`s addition."In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that`s subtraction."Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.And both together smiled and said, "That`smultiplication."Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That`s long division!" Read more

Wise Advice from Children"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God`s Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7"Doctors automatically know what`s wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4 Read more

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn`t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they`re on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.It wasn`t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren`t myboots."She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn`t you say so?" like she wanted to.Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They`re my brother`s boots. My Mom made me wear them."She didn`t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"He said, "I stuffed them in thetoes of my boots..."Her trial starts next month. Read more

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." Read more

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." Read more

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.Your Clothes1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.---------------Preparing for the Birth1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.2nd baby: You don`t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn`t do a thing.3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.---------------The Layette1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn`s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby`s little bureau.2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can`t they?---------------Worries1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.---------------Pacifier1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby`s bottle.3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.---------------Diapering1st baby: You change your baby`s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.---------------Activities1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.---------------Going Out1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.---------------At Home1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn`t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.---------------Swallowing Coins1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!! Read more