Christmas Jokes Category

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.So he walked up t... Read more

The 3 stages of man:He believes in Santa Claus.He ... Read more

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he`s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you`ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he`s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you`re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.9. While he`s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn`t have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate fil... Read more

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk."Oh, good heave... Read more

I think Santa Claus is a womanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he`s a she.Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!For starters, the vast majority of men don`t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It`s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it`s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I`m convinced Santa is a woman.Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen`s rack would already be on the... Read more

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen`s helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a... Read more

What did the salt say to the... Read more

A Dog`s Rules For Christmas1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don`t pee on the treeb. Don`t drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don`t rip them opene... Read more

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds s... Read more

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle`s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it... Read more