Christmas Jokes Category

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"The little boy replied, "I got him from the church.""And why did you take him?"The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it." Read more

The 3 stages of man:He believes in Santa Claus.He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.He is Santa Claus. Read more

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he`s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you`ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he`s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you`re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.9. While he`s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn`t have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"11. Take everything out of your house as if it`s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he`s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa`s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he`s got a red nose!" and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you`ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he`s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you`ve been "trampled." Threaten to sue.18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain`t big enough for the both of us." Read more

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk."Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian." Read more

I think Santa Claus is a womanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he`s a she.Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!For starters, the vast majority of men don`t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It`s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it`s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I`m convinced Santa is a woman.Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen`s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he`d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.Other reasons why Santa can`t possibly be a man:- Men can`t pack a bag.- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.- Men don`t answer their mail.- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. Read more

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen`s helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn`t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar." Read more

What did the salt say to the pepper?Season`s Greetings. Read more

A Dog`s Rules For Christmas1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don`t pee on the treeb. Don`t drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don`t rip them opene. Don`t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don`t eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don`t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people`s houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON`T BITE HIM!! Read more

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?""They`re Carol`s." Read more

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle`s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who`s the fourth person?""Oh, that`s Pontius - the Pilot. Read more