Christmas Jokes Category

`Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so denseThat nothing that flew could slip through our defence.When out of the klaxon arose such a clatterI dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.And there found the source of the warning we`d heeded:An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded."Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!And scramble our fighters--let`s send the whole flock!Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.So we sent out some recon to look for debris,Yet all that they found, both on land and on seaWere some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer`s parachute.Now it isn`t quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.There are unhappy kids in each village and town.For the Spirit of Christmas can`t hope to evadeAll the web of defences we`ve carefully made.But a crash program`s on: Working hard, night and day,All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.So let`s wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,For the future has hope: Santa`s coming by stealth! Read more

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.""Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)"Ok, I see that it`s above the luggage scale, which is the place you`d have to step forward for a kiss.""That`s not why it`s there."(pause)"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?""It`s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." Read more

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.However it wasn`t his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of hisnose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day. Read more

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?""Well, what do you think?" I asked him.He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I`ll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let`s just forget we ever had this talk!" Read more

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYEDThe recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuringdecisions at the North Pole.Streamlining is due to the North Pole`s loss of dominance of this season`s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa`s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO`s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer--who will retrain at the Harvard BusinessSchool--is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph`s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Read more

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train." Read more

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn`t know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"None of the reindeer stepped forward.Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer... Read more

`Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.The cookies I`d nibbled, the eggnog I`d tasteAt the holiday parties had gone to my waist.When I got on the scales there arose such a number!When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).I`d remember the marvelous meals I`d prepared;The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheeseAnd the way I`d not said, "No thank you, please."As I dressed myself in my husband`s old shirtAnd prepared once again to do battle with dirt---I said to myself, as I only can"You can`t spend a winter disguised as a man!"So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chipEvery last bit of food that I like must be banished"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.I won`t have a cookie--not even a lick.I`ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.I won`t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I`ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.I`m hungry, I`m lonesome, and life is a bore---But isn`t that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! Read more

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa`s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We`ll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don`t expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first."Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman-Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year`s economy and the nation`s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizable, even for a man of Santa`s stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year `round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. Read more