Clean Jokes Category

This was in the "Bob Levey`s Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends5) If They Don`t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain`t Going6) At My Age, I`ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can`t Remember It All7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah10) If It`s Called Tourist Season, Why Can`t We Hunt Them? Read more

Dilbert`s latest vocabulary additionsBLAMESTORMINGSitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or aproject failed, and who was responsible.SEAGULL MANAGERA manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, andthen leaves.CHAINSAW CONSULTANTAn outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.CUBE FARMAn office filled with cubicles.IDEA HAMSTERSPeople who always seem to have their idea generators running.MOUSE POTATOThe on-line, wired generation`s answer to the couch potato.PRAIRIE DOGGINGWhen someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people`s heads pop up over the walls to see what`s going on.SITCOMs(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turninto when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.SQUIRT THE BIRDTo transmit a signal to a satellite.STARTER MARRIAGEA short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.STRESS PUPPYA person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.SWIPED OUTAn ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.TOURISTSPeople who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs."We had three serious students in the class; the rest were justtourists.TREEWAREHacker slang for documentation or other printed material.XEROX SUBSIDYEuphemism for swiping free photocopies from one`s workplace.GOING POSTALEuphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.ALPHA GEEKThe most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.ASSMOSISThe process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.CHIPS & SALSAChips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem`s in your chips or your salsa.FLIGHT RISKUsed to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.GOOD JOBA "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to payoff their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.IRRITAINMENTEntertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton`s shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCEThe fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.UNINSTALLEDEuphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice-president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)VULCAN NERVE PINCHThe taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key and the Power On key.YUPPIE FOOD STAMPSThe ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody`s got are yuppie food stamps."SALMON DAYThe experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.CLM - Career Limiting MoveUsed among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.ADMINISPHEREThe rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.DILBERTEDTo be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I`ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."404Someone who`s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."Don`t bother asking him . . . he`s 404, man."GENERICAFeatures of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."OHNOSECONDThat minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you`ve just made a BIG mistake.UMFRIENDA sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend Read more

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYSNew York Times 1-22-03Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticedthat one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturdaymorning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn`t say anything.He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A postmortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.*Moral of the story: Don`t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway. Read more

Spell CheckerI halve a spelling checker,It came with my pea see.It plainly marks four my revueMistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the era riteIts rarely ever wrong. I`ve scent this massage threw it,And I`m shore your pleased too noIts letter prefect in every weigh;My checker tolled me sew. Read more

The Magician and the ParrotA magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The captain`s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show."Look, it`s not the same hat!" "Look, he`s hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"The magician was furious but couldn`t do anything, it was the captain`s parrot after all.One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What`d you do with the boat?" Read more