Cop Jokes Category

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver`s license?Driver: I don`t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner`s card for this vehicle?Driver: It`s not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That`s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner`s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There`s a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That`s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There`s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, may I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.Captain: Whose car is this?Driver: It`s mine, officer. Here`s the owner`s card. The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there`s a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there`s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there`s a body in it.Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don`t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn`t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Really? Ain`t that something? And I`ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ... Read more

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn`t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn`t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence."Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week." Read more

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn`t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!" Read more

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window."I`ve been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Read more

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?""No," replied the nervous immigrant."Did you hear her tell someone else that she`s gonna kill you?""No.""Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?""No.""Then why did you think she`s gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer."Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can`t you see the label on bottle said `Polish Remover`?" Read more

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He`s lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn`t telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. Read more

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn`t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that`s what they are. I`ve never heard of circle flies."The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They`re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse`s behind?""Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.""That`s a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though." Read more

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped bya policeman who said, ?What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident??The priests say, ?Don`t worry, my son. Jesus is with us.?The policeman says, ?In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed toride on a motorcycle.? Read more

Policeman: When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself,"Fifty-five at least."Woman Driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It`s this hat thatmakes me look so old." Read more

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver`s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over."No," the man replied."You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained."But I did slow down!" the guy argued.The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That`s why they`re called stop signs."The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what`s the difference?"The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I`m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down." Read more