Criminal Jokes Category

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.The detective responded, "I think it`s obvious. A cereal killer got her!" Read more

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.The burglar froze in place and didn`t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood."What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman`s quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked."Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38`s!" Read more

woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.She didn`t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don`t know how to use this."So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!You even sent me a Professional!" Read more

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What`s your name?""Clarence," said the bird."That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus." Read more

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before."You`ll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant."No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!" Read more

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin`s lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ...""Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn`t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word `panda` in the dictionary, you`ll have no choice but to agree."The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves." Read more

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?Selma, don`t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck... Read more

This just goes to show the quality of our criminals has definitely taken a nose-dive!Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he`d been about to draw his gun. He couldn`t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be thief ran away and is still at large. Read more

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank`s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is,the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn`t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Read more

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Allen, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:Dear Allen,I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won`t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I`m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.Love DadA few days later he received a letter from his son:Dear Dad,For heaven`s sake, dad, don`t dig up that garden, that`s where Iburied the BODIES.Love AllenAt 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That`s the best I could do under the circumstances.Love Allen. Read more