Divorce Jokes Category

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?`""But why?" asks the man."I`m a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Read more

Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don`t want to discuss it. I`m merely telling you because you`re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I`ve made up my mind, I`m divorcing Mama."The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don`t want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can`t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It`s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you`re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don`t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tellher. It will spare me the pain.""But where`s Mama? Can I talk to her?""No I don`t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven`t told her yet. Believe me it hasn`t been easy. I`ve agonized over it for several days, and I`ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.""Dad, don`t do anything rash. I`m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won`t do anything until I get there.""Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I`ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can`t bear to talk about it anymore."A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don`t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won`t do anything until we both get there."Morris promises.After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?" Read more

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property.""I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?""I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband`s parents."He said, "Do you have a real grudge?""No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.""Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?""Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don`t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is `yes`.""Ma`am, does your husband ever beat you up?""Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?""Oh, I don`t want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It`s husband. He says he can`t communicate with me." Read more

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked."Well, I think I do." she replied. "I`ve been divorced three times." Read more

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn`t know what`s available or price.The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she`s $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she`s $28".Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she`s $250"The lady replies "I don`t understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken`s car, his house, and all his other stuff." Read more

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported tohis client.?Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.??Fair to both?!? exploded Mrs. LaMay. ?I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?? Read more

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver`s license."Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired."No," I replied."Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house." Read more

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A. Divorced. Read more

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat`s fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I`ll try to chip in a few bucks myself." Read more

Mrs. O`Connor Wants a Divorce"Well, Mrs. O`Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?""Oh, no," replied Mrs. O`Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport.The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?""No, no," said Mrs. O`Connor, looking puzzled. "I`m always first out of bed."Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?""Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don`t think he knows anything about the connubial."Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I`m trying to find out are what grounds you have.""Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.""Mrs. O`Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?""Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it`s because the man can`t hold an intelligent conversation." Read more