Dog Jokes Category

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance."This is a very smart dog.", the man commented."Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." Read more

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog`s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the the dog.The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog`s a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don`t think so. It`s the second time this week he`s forgotten his key!" Read more

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor`s office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can`t get a wink of sleep.""I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.""Great," the blond answered, "I`ll try anything. Let`s give it a shot."A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I`m more tired than before!""I don`t understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!""That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I`m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it`s hard getting him to swallow the pill!" Read more

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I`m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don`t you find that unusual?""Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!" Read more

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe." Read more

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That`s not good enough."The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That`s not creative enough."Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." Read more

10 Dog Peeves About Humans1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!2. Yelling at me for barking... I`M A FRIGGIN` DOG YOU IDIOT!3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you`re not home.6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven`t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you`re just jealous.10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Read more

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what`s your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had mejetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn`t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I`m just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he`ll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"The owner replies, "He`s such a liar." Read more

On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line."Oh, aren`t you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?""Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another `Bow wow wow` for the same price."The dog responds, "Now wouldn`t that sound a little silly?" Read more

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her."Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I`d love to!"They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn`t until the end of it that Dad confessed.His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom`s feet on the kitchen floor. Read more