Drinking Jokes Category

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!" Read more

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home." Read more

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what`ll you have?"The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they`re gone. He then orders three more.The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don`t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I`ll bring you a fresh cold one."The man says, "You don`t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we`d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we`re drinking together.The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I`d just like to say that I`m sorry that one of your brothers died."The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking." Read more

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn`t drive. Read more

We`ve got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew. Read more

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.* The Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine.* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman.* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering.* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: `Now spit out all that you swallowed!!` Read more

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye`ve been oot drinkin` as usual!""Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently."Because the pub called an` ye left yer wheelchair there again!" Read more

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you`ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you`ll turn into a mouse."This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?" Read more

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs."Now don`t let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go."I`m afraid I can`t promise that, sir," said the released man."And why not?""Because I`m the barman at your regular pub!" Read more

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.Question answer valuesFor every question answered with an A, add ten points.For every question answered with a B, add five points.For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.ResultsFor scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You`re over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don`t even think about standing up.For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don`t drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don`t drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don`t even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment. Read more