Drinking Jokes Category

Little Johnny`s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms."Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won`t get worms!" Read more

Well now, you see it`s like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it`s brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn`t it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints? Read more

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Johnny did so without error."Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?""Without water in it." Read more

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob. Read more

William Joy (37), of Cookstown, Co. Tyrone, is paralysed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair as a result of a fall from a bar stool in 1989. The High Court in Belfast heard during the week that Mr. Joy is suing Michael Newell, the man who owned the bar in which the accident occurred, for damages. He claims that Mr. Newell was negligent for allowing him to sit on a 3 foot high stool while drunk. Read more

n American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I`ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness`s in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness`s up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it." Read more

How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?Tell him the drinks are on the house. Read more

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!""Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There`s no risk of you starting now!" Read more

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! Read more