Engineer Jokes Category

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you`re an engineer; you`re in the wrong place."So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?"Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God`s face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I`ll sue."Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Read more

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team`s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Read more

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we`ve decided to give the American the job"Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don`t know.", You put down "Neither do I." Read more

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed. Read more

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?""Head up," said the doctor."Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor`s neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn`t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine."Head up or head down?" said the executioner."Head up.""Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist`s neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn`t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine."Head up or head down?""Head up.""Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:"WAIT! I see what the problem is!". Read more

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don`t know where I am."The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.""You must be an engineer," says the balloonist."I am," replies the man. "How did you know?""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."The man below says, "You must be a manager.""I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well," says the man, "you don`t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." Read more

This is a weird but true story (with a moral) ...A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:"This is the second time I have written you, and I don`t blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we`ve eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It`s also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won`t start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I`m serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: `What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?`"The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn`t start.The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man`s car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn`t start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes real.(A better moral: chocolate ice cream cures vapor lock!) Read more

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn`t Teach10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn`t work.8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.1. Dilbert is a documentary. Read more

Knowledge, Time, and MoneyIt all makes sense now...Dilbert`s "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.Since: Knowledge = Power,then Knowledge = Work / Time,and Time = Money,then Knowledge = Work / Money.Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Read more

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don`t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn`t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning...""...so if you`re so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret."Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..." Read more