Engineer Jokes Category

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you`re an engineer; you`re in the wrong place."So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?"Satan... Read more

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark imm... Read more

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we`ve decided to give the American the job"... Read more

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fi... Read more

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?""Head up," said the doctor."Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor`s neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn`t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set f... Read more

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don`t know where I am."The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.""You must be an engineer," says the balloonist."I am," replies the man. "How did you know... Read more

This is a weird but true story (with a moral) ...A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:"This is the second time I have written you, and I don`t blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we`ve eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It`s also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won`t start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I`m serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: `What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?`"The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn`t start.The engineer returned for ... Read more

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn`t Teach10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn`t work.8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.6. Always try ... Read more

Knowledge, Time, and MoneyIt all makes sense now...Dilbert`s "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:Postulate 1... Read more

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don`t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn`t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their p... Read more