Family Jokes Category

Dear Dad,
School is really great. I am making lots of friends and studying very hard. With all my stuff, I simply can`t think of anything I need. so if you would like, you can just send me a card, as I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your son

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I know that astronomy, economics, and oceanography are enough to keep even an honor student busy. Do not forget that the pursuit of knowledge is a noble task, and you can never study enough.
Love,
Dad

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days.

You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something.

Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the ro

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a

"Living Will

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.

Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife`s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her

During a dinner party, the hosts` two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going.
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!

Chris had just turned 16 had long hair, and look like Joe Dirt.
He went to his dad and asked: "Dad it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to by me a car for my birthday.

So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car that you want as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair."

Chris said ok. The next week, Chris brought home a report card he had raised all his grades from c's and d's to all a's.

His father was very happy! Now Chris was so excited he told his dad what car he wanted a, convertible mustang (red).

His dad said, "Chris you haven't cut your hair."

Chris replied, "Well Jesus had long hair." His dad said, "yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went!"

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked:

"Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again.

"Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied.

"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said: "I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.