Food Jokes Category

Ice Cream Knock KnocksKnock! Knock!Who`s there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!Knock! Knock!Who`s there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...Knock KnockWho`s there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream of Jeannie! Read more

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don`t have to, my mom is a good cook!" Read more

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn`t eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there`s not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole`s head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole`s head, "now you are a Catholic!"Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole`s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!" Read more

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He`s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"Aghast with confusion and knowing he can`t lie the man replies, "Well, that`s true I don`t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..." Read more

One of my daughter`s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner`s manual!" her husband shouted."I can`t find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box."Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner`s manual is burnt to a crisp." Read more

Fat TheologyAnd God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald`s. And McDonald`s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.And Man gained pounds.And God said, "You`re running up the score, Devil."And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Satan saw and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.And Satan created HMOs. Read more

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken wasspeeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn`t catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing itturn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of thechickens had three legs.The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That`s astonishing!"The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred `em that way because I love drumsticks."Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven`t been able to catch one yet." Read more

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?""Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue."Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically."Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry." Read more

There`s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist yells back, "There is no God".She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there`s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!!!".The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!" Read more

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"G: "Uh..yes..I`d like some bacon and eggs"RS: "Ow July den?"G: "What??"RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"G: "Crisp will be fine."RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"G: "What?"RS:"San tos. July San tos?"G: "I don`t think so"RS: "No? Judo one toes??"G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don`t know what`judo one toes `means."RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"G: "English muffin!! I`ve got it! You were saying `Toast.` Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."RS: "We bother?"G: "No..just put the bother on the side."RS: "Wad?"G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."RS: "Copy?"G: "Sorry?"RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that`s all."RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"G: "Whatever you say"RS: "Tendjewberrymud"G: "You`re welcome" Read more