Funny Definitions Category

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.The best submissions:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there`s the hot air part.SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usuallyindicate it did not pay atte... Read more

10 Words That Don`t Exist, But Should1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks`trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.2. CARPERPETUATION (kar`pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt`) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove` all the germs.4. ELBONICS (el bon`iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a perso... Read more

Learn a new word each day:Arbitrator ar`-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby`s to work at McDonald`s.Avoidable uh-voy`-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.Baloney buh-lo`-nee: Where some hemlines fall.Bernadette burn`-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize bur`-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Control kon-trol`: A short, ugly inmate.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.Eclipse i-klips`: what an English barber does for a living.Eyedropper i`-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.Heroes hee`-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.Left Bank left` bangk`: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.Mis... Read more

New DefinitionsAtom Bomb :An invention to end all inventions.Boss :Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.Cigarette :A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.Classic :A book which people praise, but do not read.Committee :Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.Compromise :The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.Conference :The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.Conference Room :A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.Criminal :A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.Dictionary :A place where success comes before work.Diplomat :A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.Divorce :Future tense of marriage.Doctor :A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.Etc. :A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.Experience :The name men give to their mistakes.Father:A banker provided by nature.Lecture :An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"Miser :A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.Office :A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.Opportunist :A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.Optimist :A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."Philosopher :A f... Read more

Travel Agent TermsOld world charm ......... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.Tropical ........................ Rainy.Majestic setting ....... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the price.Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.Explore on your own .....At your own expense.Minutes From ???...........By PlaneRomantic ...................... No Phone in roomKnowledgeable trip hosts ... They`ve flown in an airplane before.No extra fees .............. No extras availab... Read more

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the... Read more

Redefining WordsAbdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.Flatulence ... Read more

What All Those Acronyms Really MeanISDN = It Still Does NothingAPPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing EntityIBM = I Blame MicrosoftDEC = Do Expect CutsCA = Constant AcquisitionsCD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsole... Read more

Useful Words Not Found in the DictionarySarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn`t get it.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.Karmageddon: It`s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then... Read more

Office LingoActivate:To make carbons and add more names to the memo.Advanced Design:Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency`s copywriters.All New:Parts not interchangeable with existing models.Approved:Needs revisingAutomatic:That which you cannot repair yourself.Channels:The trails left by interoffice memos.Clarify:To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.Conference:A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.Confidential Memo:No time to photocopy for the whole office.Consultant:Someone who borrows your watch to tell y... Read more