Funny Definitions Category

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.The best submissions:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there`s the hot air part.SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usuallyindicate it did not pay attention to your question.WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.HAMMER: Male, because it hasn`t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it`s handy to have around.SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I`d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he`d be lost without it, and while he doesn`t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained? Read more

10 Words That Don`t Exist, But Should1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks`trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.2. CARPERPETUATION (kar`pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt`) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove` all the germs.4. ELBONICS (el bon`iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak` to man gyu lay` shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal` side.7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay`) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.8.PHONESIA (fo nee` zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.9. PUPKUS (pup`kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay` shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you`re only six inches away. Read more

Learn a new word each day:Arbitrator ar`-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby`s to work at McDonald`s.Avoidable uh-voy`-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.Baloney buh-lo`-nee: Where some hemlines fall.Bernadette burn`-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize bur`-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Control kon-trol`: A short, ugly inmate.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.Eclipse i-klips`: what an English barber does for a living.Eyedropper i`-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.Heroes hee`-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.Left Bank left` bangk`: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.Misty mis`-tee: How golfers create divots.Paradox par`-u-doks: two physicians.Parasites par`-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.Pharmacist farm`-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.Polarize po`-lur-ize: what penguins see with.Primate pri`-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.Relief ree-leef`: what trees do in the spring.Rubberneck rub`-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.Seamstress seem`-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.Selfish sel`-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.Subdued sub-dood`: a guy, that works on one of those submarines.Sudafed sood`-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official. Read more

New DefinitionsAtom Bomb :An invention to end all inventions.Boss :Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.Cigarette :A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.Classic :A book which people praise, but do not read.Committee :Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.Compromise :The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.Conference :The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.Conference Room :A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.Criminal :A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.Dictionary :A place where success comes before work.Diplomat :A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.Divorce :Future tense of marriage.Doctor :A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.Etc. :A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.Experience :The name men give to their mistakes.Father:A banker provided by nature.Lecture :An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"Miser :A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.Office :A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.Opportunist :A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.Optimist :A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."Philosopher :A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.Politician :One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.Smile :A curve that can set a lot of things straight.Tears :The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...Yawn :The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your carapproaches.DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what`s happened.SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she`d look fat in mink.CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn`t a western.OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what`s coming in the next issue.COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. Read more

Travel Agent TermsOld world charm ......... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.Tropical ........................ Rainy.Majestic setting ....... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the price.Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.Explore on your own .....At your own expense.Minutes From ???...........By PlaneRomantic ...................... No Phone in roomKnowledgeable trip hosts ... They`ve flown in an airplane before.No extra fees .............. No extras available.Bird Watchers Paradise...... Your car`s paint will never be the sameNominal fee ................. Outrageous charge.Standard ..................... Sub-standard.Deluxe ........................ Barely Standard.Superior accommodations... One complimentary chocolate,free shower cap.All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps.Just Like Home............. No Maid service.Plush ................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.Light and airy .............. No air conditioning.Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby. Read more

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn`t get it.5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.7) Karmageddon: It`s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it`s like, a serious bummer.8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas toseem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Read more

Redefining WordsAbdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest`s prayer book together just before vespers.Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Read more

What All Those Acronyms Really MeanISDN = It Still Does NothingAPPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing EntityIBM = I Blame MicrosoftDEC = Do Expect CutsCA = Constant AcquisitionsCD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in MonthsOS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.SCSI = System Can`t See ItDOS = Defunct Operating SystemBASIC = Bill`s Attempt to Seize Industry ControlWWW = World Wide WaitMACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs Read more

Useful Words Not Found in the DictionarySarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn`t get it.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.Karmageddon: It`s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it`s, like, a serious bummer.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Read more

Office LingoActivate:To make carbons and add more names to the memo.Advanced Design:Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency`s copywriters.All New:Parts not interchangeable with existing models.Approved:Needs revisingAutomatic:That which you cannot repair yourself.Channels:The trails left by interoffice memos.Clarify:To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.Conference:A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.Confidential Memo:No time to photocopy for the whole office.Consultant:Someone who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is and then walks away with the watch.Forwarded For Your Consideration:You hold the bag for a while.FYI:Found yesterday, interested?In Conference:Nobody can find him/her.Let`s Get Together On This:I`m assuming you`re as confused as I.Note & Initial:I`m not taking the fall for this myself.Policy:We can hide behind this.Please See Me:Come down to my office. I`m lonely.Top Priority:It may be stupid but the boss wants it.We Are Taking A Survey:We need more time to think of an answer or we can`t find anyone willing to be responsible for this.Will Advise In Due Course:If we figure it out, we`ll let you know. Read more