German Jokes Category

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

A. A Beaner-Schnitzel Read more

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?""Oh", replied the Irishman, "I`ll take the German". Read more

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A. They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. Read more

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front ofhim.An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn`t even do.The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..."The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I`m telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!" Read more

Knock Knock!Who`s there?Germany.Germany, who?Germany people knocking at your door! Read more

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris. Read more

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.""Ya, that will be done," says the German.The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before."The German replies, " ya."The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!." Read more

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?So they won`t have to go around being nice while they fix them. Read more

Q: What`s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?

A. A shopping trolley has a mind of its own. Read more

Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany`s best comedian?

A. Only the first one can make you smile. Read more