Heaven Jokes Category

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90`s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they`re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man`s friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there`s baseball in heaven."The dying man said, "We`ve been friends for years, this I`ll do for you." And then he dies.A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend`s voice. The voice says, "I`ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there`s baseball in heaven.""What`s the bad news?""You`re pitching on Wednesday." Read more

A man arrived at the gates of Heaven.St. Peter asked, "Religion?"The man said, "Methodist."St. Peter looked down his list and said," Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven."Religion?""Catholic.""Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."A third man arrived at the gates."Religion?""Jewish.""Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."The man said, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"St. Peter told him, "Well, the Baptists are in Room 8, and they think they`re the only ones here." Read more

A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask, ?WhichBranch of Service is the best??St. Peter replied, ?I can`t answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him.?Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find theanswer.Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter`s shoulder. The dove was carrying a note inits beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:?Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are ?Honorable and Noble?. Each oneof you has served your country well. Be proud of that.(signed)GOD, USN (Ret.)? Read more

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,?You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go tosneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are??Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, ?Could I have a blackboard and some chalk??Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.Saint Peter is suitably impressed. ?You really ARE Einstein!? he says. ?Welcometo heaven!?The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, ?Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk??Saint Peter says, ?Go ahead.? Picasso erases Einstein`s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a fewstrokes of chalk.Saint Peter claps. ?Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!? he says. ?Come on in!?Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head andsays, ?Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours??George W. looks bewildered and says, ?Who are Einstein and Picasso??Saint Peter sighs and says, ?Come on in, George.? Read more

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God."I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn`t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don`t understand it..."God sighed. "Let`s be honest Teresa,"He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn`t pay to cook." Read more

Heaven & HellHEAVEN is where:The police are BritishThe chefs ItalianThe mechanics are GermanThe lovers are Frenchand it`s all organised by the SwissHELL is where:The police are GermanThe chefs are BritishThe mechanics are FrenchThe lovers are Swissand it`s all organised by the Italians!! Read more

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I`m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.""What?" exclaims the man, astonished."You heard, no Lawyers.""But, but, but, I`ve been a good man", replies the Lawyer."Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?""Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starvingchildren in Africa"."Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?""Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.""Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanianorphans.""Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I`ve had a word with God and heagrees with me. Here`s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!" Read more

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter inviteshim to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings withinterest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher?s entryin the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, ?Okay, we?ll let you in, but takethat cloth robe and wooden staff.?The preacher is astonished and replies, ?But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than a cabby.?St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: ?Here we are interested in results. When youpreached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.? Read more

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.?Show me what you got, Pete,? said Tex.St. Peter swung open the gates andrevealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.?We?ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,? said Tex.St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.?We?ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.?Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. Theblinding light and heat were enormous.?We don?t have that,? said Tex, ?but we?ve got a guy in Houston who can put itout.? Read more

Saint Peter is checking ID`s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn`t sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."St. Peter says, "That`s quite something. Come on in. Next!"The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn`t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.""Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who`s next?"The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.""Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?" Read more